I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed

So I didn’t get the job.

Before you offer your condolences, I’m okay with it. Sorta. More along the lines of “You broke up with me before I could break up with you.” Ultimately, I knew I wouldn’t take the job, but no one likes to feel rejected. It is, in fact, only the 3rd time ever I have interviewed for a job and not received an offer. This feeling is weird, but I’ll get over it. (This is just me stating facts, haters.)

I found out I didn’t get the job the same week as my birthday. For the first time EVER, I was not looking forward to my birthday and that’s odd. I’m usually all into my birthday because I am awesome and like to take at least one day a year to celebrate said awesomeness.

Instead I spent the day in back-to-fricking-back meetings, doing double duty on pick-up and drop off because Mr. O had a haircut after work, then bitching him out because he didn’t actually wish me Happy Birthday until I reminded him it was my birthday… at 8:00 pm.

Then I cried. Then Chick fell and hit his head. And we both cried.

My birthday present to myself was a historic tour 5K. (#runningnerdalert) We were supposed to do it as a family– me, Mr. O, and Chick in the stroller. I was all set, but Mr. O fell ill so he stayed home with Chick. Instead of the family run I had been hoping for, I was going solo.

On my way to the meeting point (alone) I thought:

I’m just tired of being disappointed.

0ee2efebd797cefa3d521213e4054b78f3a510abeb603d9ca582197b55027f00

#sadturtle

That’s where I’m at these days. I’m disappointed in so many things, I can’t even begin to list them (and we know how I love lists.) Nothing is out and out terrible any more –infertility and death of a loved one have a strange way of putting things in perspective. But I’m left with this general residue of severe let-down-ed-ness. And I don’t think I have been asking the Universe for too much. Honestly.

A few years ago at Christmas, my family requested a list of things I wanted as gifts. This has been a contentious issue for years– my family is notoriously cheap so you can’t recommend anything over $20 which is tricky because if I see something I want that is under 20 bucks, I’ll just buy it my damn self. Anyway… I spent a lot of time coming up with a few ideas that I wanted, needed, and magically came in around budget.

I had asked for a pair of black gloves and a Stevie Wonder CD. Instead I got a pair of socks from my brother, a book of poetry (by my dad’s favorite poet) from my parents, and a statement necklace from the J. Crew sale rack from my sister. Oh, and I also got the gift of white hot rage, because I was pissed. Why ask what I want when you’re just going to get me what you want anyway?! Then I felt horrible because I also felt ungrateful.

Because on top of feeling disappointed that my life right now is not what I would like it to be, I also feel immensely guilty for not being grateful. I have a good job, a roof over my head, a mostly decent spouse when he remembers not to be an idiot on my birthday… I look down at Chick and am filled with a wee bit of self loathing because he doesn’t make up for all the short-comings. It took me ages to have this baby, shouldn’t he just wipe away all my cares and woe? (Um, no… because it is uncool for a parent to make their child responsible for all the happiness in the world. Or at least that is what I tell myself for feeling like a bad person when Chick isn’t the only reason my day is awesome/shit.)

Should I pull an Oprah and list out my gratitude? That’s a little too Shiny Happy People for me… Besides, I’ve always hated this exercise because it seems to imply that if you have anything to be grateful for, you magically shouldn’t care about all the serious crappy things going on.

Good things in life don’t erase the bad ones. They just add to the texture.

Advertisements

7 comments

  1. My Perfect Breakdown · June 28, 2016

    So, I totally get the disappointment you are feeling about not getting the job offer. I also get the idea that good things do not erase bad things. I love your analogy that it all just adds texture to life.
    I’m also sorry to hear your birthday wasn’t everything you wanted, it reminds me of my birthday this year. I had such high expectations and then it just sucked in part because Mr. MPB was a not the nicest of husband’s that day.
    Sending you a giant virtual hug and wishing you some happiness asap.

    • thecommonostrich · June 29, 2016

      What’s with our husbands? A birthday is a sacred thing! I’m still slightly miffed at Mr. O, but he ended up giving me a coupon to “Choose My Own Adventure” basically allowing me one day to do whatever I want. I might just use it to leave him alone with Chick all day while I go to the beach. Mwah, ha, ha, ha! (That’s maniacal laughter, in case you didn’t catch that.)

  2. labmonkeyftw · June 28, 2016

    Happy birthday! I have also found my love of my birthday slipping in recent years, also from a sense that nothing is as shiny as I want it to be. I am hopeful this is not just an inevitable part of being an adult.
    “it is uncool for a parent to make their child responsible for all the happiness in the world” – I wish all parents had this recognition.. so many don’t, and it is so toxic for everyone.

    This is totally unsolicited, but is there a book club or smaller running group or some equally scheduled-time-with-adults-with-common-interests you can connect with? I know work is nuts and chick is little and you are run off your feet, but I wonder if some real adult interaction would help with some of the malaise. I’m a MASSIVE extrovert and find myself getting funky if Pea is the only person I’ve really talked to in a while, and work conversations just don’t really cut it.

    • thecommonostrich · June 29, 2016

      Have you considered a career as a life coach? You’re always spot on when I’m flailing around in some crisis. I think I do need to see other people, and not within the context of feeling like it is an obligation. (These days, there is A LOT of extended family time which does not fit the bill.)

      I too am a massive extrovert, and I think part of the problem is that I’m not getting time to recharge (which for me happens with other people.) Thanks, as always, for your help!

      • labmonkeyftw · June 29, 2016

        Your current situation just resonates really strongly with me. I’m in a new city and new job and finding myself vaguely dissatisfied a lot. I’ve recently decided it is because I don’t ever really TALK to anyone besides Pea. So that was me projecting, but I’m glad it was helpful!

  3. Molly · June 28, 2016

    I feel like birthdays are just set ups for disappointment. I’m always disappointed on my birthday. You’re so right about the good things in life not replacing the bad ones. I wish it worked that way, but it most certainly does not. The good things do help to take the edge off of the bad sometimes, though. Thank dog for that much, anyway.

    • thecommonostrich · June 29, 2016

      True- they can take the edge off. I can only imagine what a shitshow I’d be if it weren’t for the bright spots.

      This birthday slump is pretty new for me, and that makes me a little sad. I have always loved my birthday (indeed any birthday) because I love little reasons to celebrate. Maybe I’ve just not felt terribly celebratory in the past few years. Hmmm…. I wonder why?!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s