When I was taking him home from the NICU, I was told that although Chick’s chronological age was 3 weeks, he really hadn’t been born yet. The weeks after he first got home, he wouldn’t quite be like a “regular baby”– he’d sleep a lot, we’d need to feed him extra calories, wake him up if he needed to eat or be changed. As he got closer to term, he’d be more himself. That’s when we’d know who we’d actually brought home.
I have brought home a little prince. And I don’t mean that in the cute “Le Petite” sort of way. I mean it in the “Machiavellian” sort of way.
Ladies and gentlemen, my baby has woken up and is very clear about what he doesn’t like. At times, it feels as if he doesn’t like anything. Or actually, he is very clear about what he does like, and everything else is CRAP.
He doesn’t like wet or poopy diapers. If he is wet or stinky, he will express his anger through much yelling.
He doesn’t like to be hungry. Should he be hungry, expect more yelling.
He doesn’t like to he held to your chest after eating. If you try, there will be yelling. And some flailing of limbs.
He doesn’t like tummy time. He also does not like lying on his back to play either. More yelling.
He doesn’t like getting into or out of his car seat. Thar be yelling!
He doesn’t like baths. This feels like a gross understatement. He hates baths so much, he once poop himself. For serious.
He does not like sleeping. He will fight it with every fiber of his tiny being. (Though once asleep, he performs beautifully. Seriously, I’ve been getting 5-6 hours at night. For this I am grateful.)
Lest you think my child is simply contrarian, I can also tell you what he does like.
He likes me an awful lot. In truth, I think he just likes me as a food source, but I’ll take it.
He likes his pacifier. He also likes to spit it out, then freak out once it is no longer in his face.
He likes hanging out on the changing table after his diaper has been changed.
He likes going for walks in his moby wrap.
He likes lights. Yes, my child loves lamp.
He likes to be held at a 45 degree angle so that he can see your face, while you bounce him around the room shooshing to the tune of “Alice the Camel.”
It is worth noting that 5 minutes later he will not like any of this at all.
There are times when I think I have given birth to a tiny Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of Ostrich-Landia.