We’ll take a cup of kindness yet

I am a fighter. I am relentless. I’m like one of those pop up Bozo punching bags. On the list of attributes I like most in myself, my resilience is number one.

However, there comes a point for me in every struggle when I need to regroup. Sometimes, I get so mired in whatever I’m working through I can’t see clearly. Or I’m so focused on pulling myself back up that I don’t stop to think why or what’s knocking me down to begin with.

It is in this spirit that I have taken the past two weeks off. Not just from blogging, but literally from everything. I was so tired, physically but also emotionally. I had a bunch of vacation days to use or lose by the end of the year, so spent the last 12 days of 2014 holed up in my apartment.

It was exactly what I needed.

Just days before, my family learned that my mother’s heart was failing. It would spontaneously stop… then start up. Logically there would come a point when it wouldn’t do that anymore, and we made a decision to put a DNAR on her heart. It is what she wanted and what we wanted for her. My father, sister, and brother sat by her bed every day. I facetimed with her when she was feeling okay.

Since then, my mother has been fine. I don’t mean to paint this in some miraculous light. Given how compromised she is, there is little likelihood she’ll get home. Her heart is beating now. She is here on this planet now. And every day she is still here feels like a surprise. This is as much as anyone can commit to.

My mom has asked that I focus these weeks on a healthy pregnancy, not on worrying about her. I’ve tried to follow her guidance to the best of my abilities. I spent the end of 2014 napping, reading, and desperately chugging Metamucil (pregnancy constipation is a REAL THING.) I’m slowly allowing myself to believe that this pregnancy is real. There is a tiny thing inside me with a tiny heartbeat. We’re in this together, and I have to take care of the both of us.

These two weeks have been so important to me. Not just to make peace with my mother’s passing (which I feel is sadly a question of when) but also to begin to celebrate a new chapter of my life.

2014 was so incredibly hard for me. It taught me that nothing is all good or all bad. Life refuses to give us such easy answers. At best we achieve balance by finding joy and kindness where we can and honoring every struggle. It isn’t about winning, it is about finding peace.

To 2015, my friends.

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12 comments

  1. My Perfect Breakdown · January 7, 2015

    I’ve been worried about you, so I am relieved to read that you have been spending your time wisely – with your mom and taking care of you and your little one. Sending you love as I can only imagine how hard this is on you.

    • thecommonostrich · January 10, 2015

      Thank you so much- I realized that my silence after something so dramatic would worry some folks. I had to take a step back, and focus on the fundamentals.

      • My Perfect Breakdown · January 11, 2015

        You are dealing with so much right now that you just need to do what you need to do! Love to you no matter!

  2. julieann081 · January 8, 2015

    I have been thinking about you. I am glad you took some time for yourself. ❤

    • thecommonostrich · January 10, 2015

      Thanks for thinking of me! I’ve been working through a lot over the last few weeks, and it was so good to take a step back.

  3. rebecca · January 8, 2015

    I’m so sorry about your mom’s situation. Hugs to you. I’m so glad you were able to take time to regroup and care for yourself and your babe over these past weeks. I hope you can continue to find a measure of balance and peace as you navigate 2015.

    • thecommonostrich · January 10, 2015

      Thank you- I appreciate the kindness. It’s been such a rough road that a little regrouping was called for. It was like an emotional hibernation!

  4. I’ve been thinking about you and your mother, sending prayers.

    • thecommonostrich · January 10, 2015

      That’s so very kind of you. I appreciate your thoughts, and I know my mom would too!

  5. lucy50 · January 9, 2015

    I raise my glass to your glass. To 2015.

    • thecommonostrich · January 10, 2015

      Which is sadly a mocktail. (Oh, the lists of things I can’t eat or drink now…)

  6. Katie · January 12, 2015

    Thinking of you. Do what you need to do (((hugs)))

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