This is Not My Beautiful House

A week after my positive test, you’d think it would have sunk in that I am “with child.”

Nope.

Granted, my body is absolutely on board with baby. I’m officially curvy, folks. Though I have always had a bit of a booty, it is usually masked by my strong-ass runner’s legs. A month of no running, my muscles have receded and now it’s just a whole lotta butt. My boobs have also gotten bigger, and feel totally out of control. I have to wear a bra now because otherwise I have no idea what they will get up to. When I get out of the shower, I don’t really recognize this body.

Other symptoms include constipation (woohoo!), frequent peeing, odd intermittent cramping, and what I’m calling Midnight Sickness. I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night nauseous… and with the overwhelming urge to pee. Obviously.

Yesterday, I was sitting in my boss’s office talking about generic work stuff. A colleague came in talking about some project, blah, blah, blah… I tuned them out and zoned ahead at a map of the world tacked up on the wall. Whilst staring at Russia, it hit me. Holy shit. There are cells multiplying in my uterus RIGHT NOW. Then back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Later that day, Mr. Ostrich and I were in the kitchen and he brought up the idea of visiting with his cousins the week after Christmas. The trouble is that there will be a ton of drinking and outdoor winter sports, both of which strike me as a bad idea at this stage in my pregnancy. I said I didn’t really want to go, and he asked “Why? We’re telling everyone by Christmas. They’ll know, so you’ll be fine.”

Enter the waterworks. I don’t want to tell anyone. Yet. Or ever, if we’re being honest about it. I’m still not sure this is real, so setting some hard deadline feels so wrong. I need time to let all this become real. And then I want time to enjoy this period for myself, without all the weird expectations that will inevitably follow when our families “know.” So how about 19 years from now? Does that sound reasonable to everyone?

Sometimes my brain leaps forward- to a baby shower, maternity leave, or daycare. Though I recognize on some level that those things will all likely happen one day, I don’t associate them with my life. Like when you when you see someone with an expensive car or a beautiful house. Nice, but clearly not for me.

Then there are those fleeting moments when I think to that picture of the four cell embryo that was transferred weeks back. It’s working so hard right now to turn into something bright and vibrant and entirely new.

And I think “Shit, how am I here?”

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11 comments

  1. Awaiting Autumn · December 12, 2014

    Those cells are dividing. You ARE pregnant. 🙂 You have so much to be grateful for even if it hasn’t sunk in yet.

    • thecommonostrich · December 12, 2014

      I know you are right. I’m trying so hard to enjoy each moment- regardless of what happens I’m pregnant right now. And I’ve been working towards that for 2+ years.

      I’ll admit I’m surprised at how hard I’m working at this. I just thought I’d get pregnant, then float around like some delighted fairy high on pregnancy hormones. I didn’t expect all these other feelings– AT ALL.

      Grateful is the one emotion I’m square with. I feel that so intensely!

      • Awaiting Autumn · December 12, 2014

        I don’t doubt that the fear hangs around. And we all know it’s one of the hardest to shake!

  2. My Perfect Breakdown · December 12, 2014

    I get how the reality of all of this hasn’t sunk in yet, and it may not for a while. Enjoy the simple happy moments when you can, and I suspect eventually it will become more real. I hope you and Mr. O can give yourselves time to let the excitement build 🙂

    • thecommonostrich · December 12, 2014

      It feels like an out of body experience, if I’m honest. There are moments when I’m blown away at what’s happening right now, and I am so humbled by it all.

      I’ve decided I’m going to wait until I feel like telling people, and not set some arbitrary deadline. No pressure, please.

      • My Perfect Breakdown · December 13, 2014

        I love your no pressure plan! Just maybe tell people before the child is a few years old 🙂

  3. InfertileGirl · December 12, 2014

    I love your analogy of seeing the nice house, but it just isn’t something that is part of your life. That is sort of how I feel about a positive pregnancy test right now. I see other people with them but it’s like another universe, something that doesn’t exist for me.

    • thecommonostrich · December 12, 2014

      Yup. I’ve felt that way for so long. I was talking about this with my therapist earlier- I’ve rooted my identity in being Infertile, and now I have no idea how to do this other thing. I keep going back to the context I’ve known for so long, and this just doesn’t fit.

  4. julieann081 · December 13, 2014

    I *so* get this. It seems only a tiny bit real to me now at Week 15. Then I think to myself that it’s December, and whoa, in 6 months, I’ll have a baby! It’s insane. I understand not wanting to tell people too. I did get pressured by my family, and there are a lot of expectations or pressures when people know – or there can be. Don’t let yourself get pressured. Feel good, and enjoy the little things! Hugs! ❤

    • thecommonostrich · December 15, 2014

      6 months away? That is insane! I’ve also been rethinking this “rule” about who I tell and when. I realize that there is no reason I can’t tell my close friends first, because they are the ones who will give me the support I’m looking for. As for some family members… They can wait, especially if they are going to start getting all preachy on me.

  5. Pingback: Baby Celebration Guest List | the common ostrich

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