The Countdown Begins

Two more days until I test. Which means two more days to desperately try to interpret my symptoms. An exercise in futility if ever there was one.

So far my boobs hurt, my skin is oily, and my endometriosis is “tickling” though not actually painful. This is more or less what happens before my period. The new addition is a low level headache, but after some hardcore Googling I know this is a side effect of the estrogen patch I’m on.

I waver between two extremes.

Misery! Because this means I’m not pregnant, and will die childless and alone.

or

Exhaustion! Because this means nothing at all, and I’m working myself up for no reason.

After a little hemming and hawing I decided not to POAS. It has never been in my repertoire, in part because I liked the idea that nature gave me a built-in pregnancy test (i.e. my period.) It helped me stay connected to my body, and honestly was starting to feel like the last “natural” part of this process. Of course, IVF really throws any illusion of “nature” out the window. Who am I kidding?

I’ve been having really strange dreams lately. The first one was just me getting my period. I could see the blood making beautiful and intricate designs in the toilet bowl. (TMI, but this is an infertility blog.) The second dream was actually a little funny. I was being chewed out by a nurse for having a miscarriage because I had an orgasm. (They make this big deal about how you’re not allowed any sexy fun time after IVF, so this isn’t completely out of left field.) Obviously, my unconscious is anxious.

Is it weird that I’m actually dreading my test a little bit? I’ve liked spending the last two-ish weeks dwelling in possibility. It was nice, even if it was unknown. But in just a few days, I’ll know what’s actually been going on done there.

Mr. O has decided to take the day off. At first I thought this was crazy, but I can imagine that he’ll be just as apprehensive as I am. And his isn’t the kind of job where you can run into the bathroom for a good cry. I’m going to work from home in the afternoon while I wait for the call. I think it will be good to be distracted by work for most of the day, but be in a safe place when I find out for sure.

We’ve decided to make reservations at a restaurant that night. Either we’ll be celebrating, or we’ll be consoling ourselves with excellent food. Even if this cycle doesn’t work out, I like the idea of having a plan and sticking to it. Life goes on, damnit. And that includes dinner reservations.

This is one angsty ostrich, signing off…

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16 comments

  1. Sending prayers and positive vibes your way!

  2. thebarrenlibrarian · December 3, 2014

    I’m so crazy to know! I know you must be the same!

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      The TWW always sucks, but this one has been one for the books…

  3. My Perfect Breakdown · December 3, 2014

    I am wishing you only good results!! And I also love your plans to be at home together when you get the news. 🙂

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      Yeah, me too. At first I thought it was a little over the top, because I should just be able to swallow my emotions like a normal person, regardless of the outcome.

      Then I remembered I am not actually a robot.

  4. Jennie · December 4, 2014

    Wow I was starting to think I was the only one who never tested early. I have nothing against it but I always figured just wait until the Beta and not get myself worked up in advanced. Fingers crossed for you 🙂

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      So I’m not alone? It seems like a minority choice.I figure I’m going to get all angsty any way, why add an extra layer?

      Of course, whatever works for you!

  5. julieann081 · December 4, 2014

    Wishing you all the best and great results! ❤

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      Thanks! I’m trying to prepare myself for either outcome, and be… you know… totally cool about it.

      I’m failing miserably. 😉

  6. Reb · December 4, 2014

    I can totally relate to the anxious dreams. Hang in there, girl! Your plan to go out that night sounds perfect to me… no matter what, you’ll have each other and you’ll have good food, but hopefully you’ll also have good results. I’m keeping all my fingers and toes crossed for you!

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      Thanks! Weirdly, the dinner plans are helping me stay normal. It’s like there is something else to look forward to after the results are in. Not just falling off a cliff.

  7. Haisla · December 4, 2014

    I can totally relate to kind of enjoying the two weeks of possibility after treatment and tend to dread finding out.. However this time I really, really hope that the apprehension will be for nothing and that you’ll get the best news ever. Sending much love and positive vibes your way.xx

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      Thanks so much, dear! I’m obviously hoping that too. 😉

      Because this was the first time I knew there was an embryo in there, it was the first time it felt possible. In some ways, it has been a better TWW because I’ve actually felt hopeful. In other ways, I’m be waaaaay more neurotic than usual.

  8. Lacey · December 4, 2014

    Hoping and praying for you!

    The two week wait is horrible. We test tomorrow morning. Making a dinner reservation is a good idea – to congratulate or console. I think we may have to do the same thing.

    Good luck, gal!

    • thecommonostrich · December 4, 2014

      You should do it! The worst case as I see it is that I can drown my sorrows with a fancy cocktail and plates of cured meats.

      The best case is that we’re both celebrating!

      Good luck tomorrow!

  9. Elizabeth · December 7, 2014

    Checking in…hoping you’re celebrating. 🙂

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