And then there were 3

From 13 to 3.

Unless I hear otherwise, I’m going in tomorrow for a day 3 transfer. According to the nurse, I have 3 embryos that look like they are in good shape.

Wait… What? 3? I did all that for 3 little turds?! (Yes, I did just potentially call my future child a turd. But…. RAGE.)

I recognize that this sounds like extreme complaining, but as previous explored, I don’t always have the most realistic set of expectations.

I will now publicly admit that I had “a plan.” Anyone who has experienced infertility will recognize this as an exercise in futility. And yet… I couldn’t help myself.

After I abandoned the “plan” of having babies like a normal person, I fast-forwarded to IVF. For some reason, I just didn’t think other methods were going to work. So I underwent the Great Clomid Experiment with little faith in the outcomes. Yes, yes… I did try in earnest, but I didn’t see that as the solution. So getting to IVF seemed like I was finally in the Reproductive Technology Big Leagues– and right where I belonged.

Much like my irrational fixation on getting 30 follicles, I really wanted 5 embryos. 1 to implant, 4 to freeze. You know… a “rainy day” stash. This is who I am. I make responsible decisions! I plan out my meals for the entire week! I have savings and a 401K, goddamnit! How could I not have some freaking embryos left over, just in case?!

BAH! ALL THE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!

Now that my righteous indignation has passed, I can see this for what it is. It’s the Four Horsemen of the IF Apocalypse. And will come as no surprise to any of you, I am sure.

  1. Disappointment. I had set my hopes on 5. 3 is not 5, no matter how you cut it.
  2. Sadness. I worked hard for those 13 damn oocytes. I’m a little sad to see them go.
  3. Fear. Shit. What if this cycle doesn’t work?
  4. Shame. And what meltdown would be complete without a dash of shame? My best efforts have not yielded my best results.

I just don’t want to do this again. The injections, the egg retrieval, the general shittiness I feel since I started on the hormones… I haven’t felt well enough to run in over a week, which makes me a miserable human. (And likely compounding all the aforementioned.)

I don’t want to be on this emotional fucking roller coaster anymore.

So please, can we just get a baby out of this one and call it a day?

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30 comments

  1. bionicbrooklynite · November 22, 2014

    Three embryos is (most likely) more than you’ve ever had before. Keep ahold of that, as much as all the things you say here are also true and make me mad and sad on your behalf. Three! Embryos! Embryos!

    I will be send you my most implantary vibes tomorrow. I am super impatient to meet your baby, already. xo

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Absolutely true. And it turns out that these 3, though a small party, have really great grades.

      And now we wait.

  2. My Perfect Breakdown · November 23, 2014

    I am so sorry you are so disappointed (and understandably so). Wishing you peace as you go in for your transfer, as I suspect the stress and anxiety won’t help you too much. Sending you lots of love!

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Thank you. Once I “got over it” I realized that this is now completely out of my control. Not that any of it was in my control to begin with.

      Now I’m focusing on staying calm and centered. Which will last approximately 10 minutes.

  3. g2the4thpower · November 23, 2014

    I can understand what you must be feeling. You never know with this IVF game, I’ve often read on here that some additional freezables come around in later days. Best juju for your transfer and freeze for the future!

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      The good news is that the three I have are all in great shape. I had one transferred yesterday and the two remaining are progressing well and will hopefully be freeze worthy. (They don’t freeze until Day 5. Who knew?)

      • g2the4thpower · November 24, 2014

        That’s great! I’m getting nervous now about mine. I trigger tonight and my ER is Wednesday morning. Follicle sizes are all over the map, but my lining looks good. Trying to keep a little optimism but man is it ever hard to do!!

      • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

        SO HARD. Focus on the positives, because it sounds like there is enough there to feel good about.

        I’m trying to just focus on this moment, not fast forward to my pregnancy test. It’s sorta working? I’ll let you know how I’m doing in a week. 😉

      • g2the4thpower · November 24, 2014

        Yes the moment, the moment! Me too. I’m out for lunch by myself in one of my favourite restaurants, listening to some good old classical music, eating some delicious, good-for-me grub, and will take the long way back to the office to get a good 20 min walk in after eating. I’m hoping I can keep myself busy enough that the 2ww will fly by!

  4. Jennie · November 23, 2014

    IVF is such a crap shoot. I am so sorry you aren’t getting the results you want and deserve. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that your 3 little frosties are all you need for your baby.

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Thanks! That’s what I keep reminding myself. It just takes one. Oh the waiting….

  5. jen.g · November 23, 2014

    I feel your pain! I had all these numbers and goals in my head and when my body didn’t cooperate I was too disappointed. I had to keep telling myself ‘all it takes is one’! Good luck to you!!

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Very true. I haven’t exactly worked out the “expectations” bit. Obviously, we strive for realistic ones, but honestly the most realistic expectation I could possible have at this point is dying barren and alone in a shanty.

      So I prefer to be hopeful. If you’ve figured out how to be hopeful while also maintaining a healthy sense of perspective, please share your wisdom.

  6. Elizabeth · November 23, 2014

    You can’t imagine how much I relate to this post. I WROTE this exact post (down to the #s) a few weeks ago. Going into my IVF my RE predicted I’d get 5 blasts to be “average” for 38. So, I hooked into that. I had 27 eggs at retrieval. 17 mature. 16 fertilized. 16 still at Day 3. Day 5 I had 1! Day 6 two more matured to expanded blasts. I freaked. And freaked. It’s so hard to feel like you did sub par even when you know it’s a crap shoot and there wasn’t more to do. Good luck tomorrow. Are they putting in all 3?

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Ugh. I’m sorry. I can relate (obviously) and this just blows (obviously.)

      My RE suggested to put in one. She is very optimistic about my lining and all that other shit. And I decided that for my first go around I would trust her suggestion.

      If this doesn’t work, I may look at putting in 2 next time.

  7. Overcome Infertility · November 23, 2014

    I hope that these are the only 3 you need!

  8. Elisha · November 23, 2014

    So sorry hun! :/

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Thanks. This whole fertility thing has turned me into such a train wreck.

  9. Haisla · November 23, 2014

    I know it’s disappointing, but three is still three. Any chance that at least one of them could be left for a ‘rainy day’?xx

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      My little silver lining! Yes, three is still three, which is much better than zero.

      Luckily, the three I have all received good grading. I had one transferred, and the other two will continue growing until Day 5. If they are still being little rockstars, we’ll freeze those.

      Never in my life did I think I’d have rainy day embryos.

  10. lucy50 · November 23, 2014

    I know it’s disappointing. And I hate to be one of those people who says, “it just takes one,” but it’s so true. Three is good. You have to have faith. You are doing everything you can do, and the rest is out of your control.

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Thanks. It may be a cliche, but it is one worth repeating. It does only take one. Hopefully the one I got transferred yesterday.

      Now I have to focus on staying calm. And avoiding the urge to pee on sticks.

  11. julieann081 · November 24, 2014

    This is all completely understandable. I truly hope you get pregnant this time! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs! ❤

    • thecommonostrich · November 24, 2014

      Me too!

      Thanks for understanding- I honestly don’t think other people get how this process can make you completely CRAZY.

  12. I totally get how you’re feeling. Out of 18 eggs from 2 retrievals I only got 2 that made it to 5 day blasts. And they tell me nothing is wrong with me! How can that be?? Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.

    • thecommonostrich · December 3, 2014

      Ugh. That’s just awful. After all the injections, you feel like you worked so hard for them, to ultimately yield so little. Then again… at least you got two! (This is what I keep telling myself… at least I got three.)

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