Lobotomized by Infertility

It may come as no surprise that this isn’t my first blog. I’ve had a few over the years: one about politics, one about my professional industry, another one about books and reading, and then this one here about infertility.

For a few weird reasons, I recently visited two of those blogs. I’m impressed with myself. No, really… I’m a smart, articulate, thoughtful person who has an array of interests. Or at least I used to be.

I have not posted on any other blogs in well over a year. I was reading one particularly good post on The Jungle by Upton Sinclair, and I almost didn’t recognize myself. I was making cogent arguments! I linked to smarty pants articles! I used big words!

I honestly can’t imagine writing or thinking anything like this anymore. Because now my life is all IF all the time. I was once really passionate about what I do for a living. I read because it fed my brain and my heart. Now, I work to pass the time between treatments and read to escape from my own heartbreak. Even while trying to be a functioning member of society, I’m still thinking about IF in the back of my mind. 24/7. It’s like I have been lobotomized by infertility.

So… when do I get back to there? Because I liked that part of my life. I liked the time I spent reflecting on art, literature, and the crazy pendulum-swings in my industry. Basically, I miss having that part of my brain and I want it back.

Yeah, I can’t keep doing this shit, can I? I really do have to figure out how to be a whole person again…


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4 comments

  1. My Perfect Breakdown · October 20, 2014

    If you figure out how to be a whole person again, I’d love to hear all about it! Sending you love and hope for a better, simpler tomorrow. 🙂

  2. mrsaligators · October 21, 2014

    Wow, you just described my life. Everything I do or think centers around infertility. I feel like my life is on hold and it stinks. Hoping you can find joy again in things that were part of your life pre-infertility.

  3. bionicbrooklynite · October 21, 2014

    Can’t say I’ve gotten back there myself, at least not full time, but i do prefer the lobotomy of motherhood to that of infertility (which I also noted). So, uh, it gets kind of better?

    • thecommonostrich · October 22, 2014

      So you’re telling me that I’m ahead of schedule with my lobotomy? I always was an overachiever…

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