When Mr. O and I found out we’d be spending this cycle getting tests done, we decided to take a break from active baby-making. It seemed like a good idea to live like normal people for a few weeks before we jump into whatever medical circus awaits us.
Back on Labor Day weekend, I was at a friend’s cabin on a lake. It was beautiful, warm, sunny. And I didn’t notice. I floated in and out of conversations, read magazines cover to cover but couldn’t tell you what they were about. On the last day, I was cajoled into going tubing– where one holds on for dear life while one is dragged behind a speed boat. I distinctly remember thinking “I should be having fun right now.” Not “Motherfucker! This is fun!” Not “Holy beejezus, I think I’m going to die!”
“I should be having fun right now.”
That’s how I knew something was off. I normally love that kind of stuff. But it felt more like a duty I had to perform in order to prevent everyone from asking what was wrong. In short, I was not myself and I was doing a marginal imitation.
As I’m sure you’ve all felt at one time or another, I’m tired of being infertile. Not just because I would like to have a baby, but I’d really like to stop googling, reading articles, charting every weird little secretion. After two years of this, I’m ready to think about other things.
So I decided to act like I’m not infertile for this cycle. I stopped obsessively charting my symptoms. I gave up on the trove of vitamins I normally take. I drank alcohol, once even to excess! I also took a break from blogging. (Sorry to anyone who missed me, but it was necessary.)
With my free time, I went out with friends. I watched TV without secretly thinking about fertility protocols the whole time. I read. I made massive batches of tomato soup. I doubled down on my half marathon training. Just in time, I started coaching again. Though I still feel a little bit like a zombie, but at least I recognize that I’m feeling like a zombie. That seems like progress some how.
CD1 has come. And with my RE appointment today, I’m about to dive back in. Ready or not, here I come.