CD1. There. That’s out in the open.
I was 4 days late, however. 4 DAYS. It feels sort of like getting 3rd runner up. So close, but so very far away. I just kept crossing my fingers every day hoping that my period wouldn’t come that day. Just one more day.
But here I am, cramps and a literal bloody mess. Charming.
I will admit, I was hoping that this cycle actually worked. I had no reason for this optimism, except the 4 DAYS my body successfully mislead me into thinking that maybe, just maybe it all came together this time.
Part of me was hoping that I could be that freakish success story of someone who conceives on the eve of her first meeting with an RE. These people exist, I swear! Along with Sasquatch, the Loch Ness Monster, and whatever is being kept in Area 51.
But that is not my path.
When I spotted the spotting this morning, I was genuinely surprised. WTF? 4 days later? That’s insane. I cried a little. Then I put on my running gear and headed out for a 6.5 mile run.
I was really tempted not to. If ever I have a good reason for curling up in a ball and feeling sorry for myself, it’s usually every 28 days (or in this case 32.) I don’t know, I just don’t have it in me anymore.
Weirdly, I think that being a runner has prepared me for this. It’s physically demanding- you have to be able to put up with some pain and discomfort in order to do it. But most of all, it is a sport of mental toughness. You have to will yourself to keep going, even while your brain and body are giving you every reason to stop.
In the girls run club I coach, we teach the girls to develop a personal mantra. Something that they can say to themselves when they are having a hard run. Most of them are kinda silly, like “Just think of ice cream!” Hey, they are 9 and 10. Ice cream is a great motivator.
Mine is “You got this.”
Even on the hardest days, I know that I’ve got what it takes to get through it. It may not be pretty. In fact, I would wager that it will involve a lot of groaning and cursing. But I know that I have what I need to finish. It’s in there somewhere, I just need to keep digging deeper until I find it.
This has been my running mantra for years. In the past year, it has become my mantra for life. Imagine my delight when I stumbled across this necklace. I have one, and I wear it any time I need to remind myself that I have an inexhaustible source of strength. (I just really wish I could stop using it. Any day now, Universe. ANY DAY.)
Every CD1 is hard to get through, but some how I manage. As I find myself staring down IUI or IVF or whatever comes next, I have to believe that I’ll get through that– regardless of the result.